Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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A HUSBAND and wife are in bed asleep when they are awoken by a telephone
call. The wife gets up to answer the phone.
She shouts down the phone "how would I know, we live 200 miles away" before
slamming the phone down and returning to bed.
The husband, baffled by this, asks "who was that darling?". His wife
replies: "Don't know, some woman asking if the coast was clear!!!!!"
TWO old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced
to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s),
but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."
A MIDDLE-AGED woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she
asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two
months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40+ years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God
replied,"Girrrrllll! I didn't recognise you!"
A BLONDE police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible
sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde
driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her
purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on
it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact,
opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at the
compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to
the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a
police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this
whole thing!"
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Half Pint
Member
Registered: 25th Mar 02
User status: Offline
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live
on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him
no
breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the
cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him
a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I
have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so
you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the
pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I
saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little
boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You going to tell him or should I?"
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Paul_J
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: London
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Paul_J
quote:
Originally posted by Adam-D
thats why there called brakes
you drop it on your foot ull probably break sommit
 That joke is rubbish!
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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 mazin lads 
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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Hlaf day hope u all have fun, Im off to de stress and kick some asses 
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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smack em up G dog
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Pablo
Member
Registered: 3rd Feb 03
Location: Milton Keynes
User status: Offline
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Im gonna, not a happy customer 
 Good day *raise hat*
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Wayne O Mac
Member
Registered: 16th Mar 04
Location: Hull, East Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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Not A joke but funny n e way.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
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Heather
Member
Registered: 1st Aug 02
Location: Ellesmere Port
User status: Offline
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I got one Vibro !
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