Marc D
Member
Registered: 29th Apr 03
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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THE NUN
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" asked the nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes you hands first.
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted!
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BUPA cover
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
raises
both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking
for
sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and
he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5
or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying
to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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ADULT NURSERY RHYMES
ary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked the
boys could see her thighs Mary had
another skirt twas split
right up the front ... but she
didn't wear that one very often
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with
her, between two chunks of
bread.
Jack and Jill Went up the
hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill And
now there's little Franky.
Little Miss Muffet sat on
a tuffet, her clothes all
tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that
crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue
and his horn.
Old Mother Hubbard Went to
the cupboard to fetch her
poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover
took over and gave her a bone
of his own.
Mary had a little lamb It
ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's
arse and turned it's wool to
nylon
Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the
Pieman, What have you got
there? Said
the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a
wall Humpty Dumpty had a
great fall. All the kings
horses and all the kings men,
Said "F*ck him, He's
only an egg.
Georgie Porgy pudding and
pie. Kissed the girls and
made them cry.When the
boys came out to play, He
kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Mary Mary quite contrary,
Trim your minge - it's far too hairy!
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