leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Sorry if it has been posted but here goes
Peter Kay's finest....
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and
heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest
to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night
before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,
I
said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull
a
fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I
asked for
a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran,
even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I
said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your
type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't
start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this
some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in
here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain,
they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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 well funny still
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StuartGee
Member
Registered: 10th Dec 02
Location: Ellon, Aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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Still love this one:
I was doing some DIY the other day with my step-ladder, I don't get on with my real ladder. 
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Matt H
Member
Registered: 11th Sep 01
Location: South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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Kerry
Member
Registered: 5th Oct 01
Location: Norwich
User status: Offline
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i love that man
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sxi16vjoe
Member
Registered: 16th Dec 02
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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Fuking brilliant!!!!
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Coblet
Member
Registered: 26th Jun 04
Location: Camberley, Surrey
User status: Offline
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Excellent 
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Phil321
Member
Registered: 10th Mar 01
Location: Manchester
User status: Offline
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Superb. Have to imagine its him delivering them to get the full effect!
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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In bolton accent
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Mav 3000
Member
Registered: 16th Aug 01
Location: Leicestershire
User status: Offline
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I swear some of those jokes are from Tim Vine!
"I was reading a book all about glue - I couldn't put it down"
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