Kerry
Member
Registered: 5th Oct 01
Location: Norwich
User status: Offline
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Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
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Q: What's blue and fu cks old people?
A: Hypothermia
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Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her
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Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
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Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fuc king her.
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Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fuc king listen.
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Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
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Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cu nt once in a while too.
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Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
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Q. Why do fags like ribbed con doms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
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Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
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Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
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Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
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Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked. *******************************************************
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hoo ker?
A. A hoo ker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
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Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & se men?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
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Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
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Q. What's the difference between oral se x & an al se x?
A. Oral se x makes your day, an al s ex makes your hole weak.
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Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
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Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
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Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and s ex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
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Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
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Q. What's the difference between a G- Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
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Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
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Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house ?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a pe nis, it's not time.
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s ex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
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LukeGSi
Member
Registered: 9th Dec 03
User status: Offline
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It worked 
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leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Some old ones but hey
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Kerry
Member
Registered: 5th Oct 01
Location: Norwich
User status: Offline
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The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified
she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors
she passed a room where a male patient was wanking.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but
this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following
doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a
room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow-job
"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA.
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Kerry
Member
Registered: 5th Oct 01
Location: Norwich
User status: Offline
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're all
staring at a man sitting by himself by a table in the corner. He's so familiar, but not one of them recognises him, and they are getting annoyed.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's
Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit."
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Kerry
Member
Registered: 5th Oct 01
Location: Norwich
User status: Offline
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A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They
hadn't
been going out very long so he thought long and hard
before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had
complained her hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves
might be appropriate, not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.
Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to H arrods
and he bought a stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves.
At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both
asked for their purchases to be gift-wrapped.
Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left
with
the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister
left with the gloves.
The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his
present
in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house
she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door
accompanied by the following note: -
Happy Birthday Darling,
I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in
the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it
not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white
buttons, but she wears short ones & they're easier to pull off
I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant
showed
me the pair she's worn for the past 3 wee ks & they're hardly soiled at
all.
I had her try on yours & 'though a little tight, they looked really
smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny &
in
fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd
been there so I could've put them on for you myself, as no doubt
many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just
think
how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will
be a little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday
night.
All my love,
Dave
XXX
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
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