aceman
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 04
Location: scotland
User status: Offline
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feel free to continue this thread as such and i'm sure somebody some where will have a laugh.
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aceman
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 04
Location: scotland
User status: Offline
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whats the diff between a coffin and a condom?????
one you come in one you go in.
boom boom
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Scotty2003
Member
Registered: 22nd Jun 03
Location: Falkirk, Scotland Drives: Honda civic se
User status: Offline
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mav
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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^^^
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aceman
Member
Registered: 11th Jun 04
Location: scotland
User status: Offline
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forwarded from a freind so dont give me the stick ok?
2bee's and a bird in a car out for a run when it runs out of fuel so 1 off the bee's ask's if he shoud pee in the tank to get them going? so he pee's in the tank and sure enough there off untill it runs out again,so the other bee dose the same till sure enough it runs dry again ,so this time the bird go's to do the same when the 2 bee's stop it and say, this car only runs on bp
and again dont give me the stick for this one
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Skipz
Member
Registered: 23rd Aug 03
Location: Falkirk: Drives:nothing but gettin another Corsa
User status: Offline
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@ the plate
 at the bp joke 
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corsa_godfather
Member
Registered: 6th May 03
Location: Greenock,Scotland
User status: Offline
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guy goes in to sex shop and asks for blow up doll.
owner says u want an English one or an Islamic one??
guy replies..oh English one mate....why whats the difference????
owner replies.... The Islamic ones 'blow themselves' up
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big eck
Member
Registered: 20th Apr 03
Location: Tullibody. Drives - Audi B8 S4 & Fiesta Zetec-S
User status: Offline
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask
your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come
back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied," Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living
with two Sluts and a Queer
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ali_kerr_86
Member
Registered: 12th Apr 04
Location: stirling, scotland
User status: Offline
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rofl
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Skipz
Member
Registered: 23rd Aug 03
Location: Falkirk: Drives:nothing but gettin another Corsa
User status: Offline
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LMAO @ Eck
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BAZ 1256
Member
Registered: 16th Mar 04
Location: aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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No sex tonight?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
>
FOR EXAMPLE
>
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words
that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."She responded to my puzzled look by
saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
>
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of
the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
>
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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Stoneyginger
Premium Member
Registered: 25th Jan 01
Location: Stonehaven, Aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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That is ACE!!!!!!!!
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BAZ 1256
Member
Registered: 16th Mar 04
Location: aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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2 Fat blokes go into a pub the 1st sound says to the 2nd "Right Wullie your round" 2nd one replies " Aye so are you, you fat bastard"
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BAZ 1256
Member
Registered: 16th Mar 04
Location: aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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A Scotsman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
cafe
when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Scotsman politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started
up a
conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Scotch folk
eat
the whole bread?" The Scotsman frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during
his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge
bubble.
"We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect
in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell
them
to Scotland."
The American had a smirk on his face. The Scotsman listened in silence.
The
American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the
Scotsman
replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American
said,
"We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them
into jam and sell it to Scotland."
The Scotsman then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Scotsman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
the
condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it
was
the Scotsman's turn to smile. "We don't. In Scotland, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to
the United States."
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's
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BAZ 1256
Member
Registered: 16th Mar 04
Location: aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:
"Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot ar*&"ole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: PRICELES
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BAZ 1256
Member
Registered: 16th Mar 04
Location: aberdeenshire
User status: Offline
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the
laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with
grapefruit and mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the
hand towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at
her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire
the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE!
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