Danny P
Member
Registered: 20th Nov 02
Location: Cleckheaton, West Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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This is for all you guys that dont know how you got home etc after a good session on the bevvies.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from
the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:
*The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional
Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's
in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time)add on, that automatically removes,in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is
not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained
in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also
shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to
malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with
horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza
crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
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Matty J
Member
Registered: 24th Apr 02
Location: Heybridge, Essex!
User status: Offline
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Quality.
LMFAO
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sxi boy
Member
Registered: 11th Apr 02
Location: north east Drives: clio 182
User status: Offline
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m8, uve made no mention of the beer monkey on there!!!
in the north east, the beer scooter is driven by the beer monkey, who always makes sure u get home in one piece after a nite on this piss!!!
First of all, he picks u up off the floor and puts you on the beer scooter, he then drives you home, safely of course, upon arrival he steals ur money, cards, fone, keys, wallet, and clothes before tucking you up safely in bed 
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Trotty
Member
Registered: 22nd Feb 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Nice!
Alot of that's strangely true too!
Ian
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Kris TD
Member
Registered: 25th Mar 02
Location: Ware, Hertfordshire
User status: Offline
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you can always tell when my house mate is really pissed cos he hangs all his clothes up neatly and folds things, lol
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