Kayleigh
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: England
User status: Offline
|
The Car Manual
Ever tried to do mechanical DIY with a Haynes book?
The truth revealed.......
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly'what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But bikes are easy to maintain right... right?
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?
Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."
NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
|
J da Silva
Member
Registered: 10th Apr 03
Location: The FACTory
User status: Offline
|
not a fan then?
|
Hillzlo
Member
Registered: 9th Nov 02
Location: Noitacol
User status: Offline
|
|
Drew
Banned
Registered: 24th Nov 01
Location: County Durham
User status: Offline
|
pretty much true
|
The-Power20
Member
Registered: 15th Apr 03
User status: Offline
|
i've just bought one of them, arent they any good then?
|
Icy
Member
Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
User status: Offline
|
cudnt be bothered readin it
wasnt this up las yr or something
|
Pete
Member
Registered: 20th Sep 99
Location: Northampton
User status: Offline
|
I like the way they prefix everything with "SIMPLY". They have no idea what simply means!
|
Kayleigh
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: England
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by Icy
cudnt be bothered readin it
wasnt this up las yr or something
If u cudnt be bothered reading, why waste your time replying?
|
Munchie
Member
Registered: 17th Jul 01
Location: I swap goats for mobile phones
User status: Offline
|
i cant be arsed reading either
|
Kayleigh
Member
Registered: 6th Jun 02
Location: England
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by Munchie
i cant be arsed reading either
 
|
The-Power20
Member
Registered: 15th Apr 03
User status: Offline
|
your all mad lol
|
Munchie
Member
Registered: 17th Jul 01
Location: I swap goats for mobile phones
User status: Offline
|
lol
|
beav
Member
Registered: 20th Aug 01
Location: Home-Ayrshire (Troon), Uni-St Andrews
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by The-Power20
your all mad lol
How did u know
|
Adam-D
Member
Registered: 11th May 02
Location: Cheshire
User status: Offline
|
quote:
Originally posted by Kayleigh
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
fucking funny coz i use haynes to jus about everything to my car
bloody calss
favrites above specially retain spring
it a case ping aww fuck whered that go
like it lots
|
