BigSte
Member
Registered: 27th Aug 02
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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As title. sorry got none myself
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Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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http://www.corsasport.co.uk/board/viewthread.php?tid=75356
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BigSte
Member
Registered: 27th Aug 02
Location: Sheffield
User status: Offline
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just read it m8.....made me laff
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Foz
Member
Registered: 8th May 02
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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i am more bored than u, all i have on the mind is getting home and cracking open a cold can of stella and eating a curry. Then staggering up the local half pissed.
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Rob R
Member
Registered: 31st May 03
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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if u get half pissd of a can of stella u av a serious problem! 
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JoeyB
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 03
Location: Fareham HANTS, Drives: Astra Coupe Turbo
User status: Offline
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On one can??? Heres a joke...
A veteran Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop
sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's
license and registration please?"
The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution."
"You've got to be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop,
and you didn't. Now, may I see your license and registration, please?"
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal! What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming
to a complete stop."
The veteran Ranger had had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do
better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist
out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his
nightstick.
"Now, sir, let me ask you this. Would you like me to slow down...or come to
a complete stop?"
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JoeyB
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 03
Location: Fareham HANTS, Drives: Astra Coupe Turbo
User status: Offline
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There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form
of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw
bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!!
We're saved!!!"
"You're right!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the
prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the
dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out
"Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree . . .
it's a "Ham Bush"
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JoeyB
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 03
Location: Fareham HANTS, Drives: Astra Coupe Turbo
User status: Offline
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Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in
business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new
manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the
end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different
about me?" - "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"
came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of
the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy.
But he asked her the same question. "Do you notice anything different about
me?" - "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got
upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young
man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was
anxious, but went ahead and asked the man the same question, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his
chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with no f***ing ears!"
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JoeyB
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 03
Location: Fareham HANTS, Drives: Astra Coupe Turbo
User status: Offline
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There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards
him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The
girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The
police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I
guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl
replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it
spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked it's eggs, and set its
nest on fire!"
Never lie to kids!!!!!
Especially a Girl!!!!!
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JoeyB
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 03
Location: Fareham HANTS, Drives: Astra Coupe Turbo
User status: Offline
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Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds,
who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Paul: Holy ****!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried
paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames
out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they
even begin to think this tastes like food.
_________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a
cow sucking piss off a thistle.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
now getting ****-faced from all the beer.
_________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating.
Is curry an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.
Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on
to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile
of napalm.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames
leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's
been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just **** myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be
kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my
arsehole will go down for a drink of water.
______________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his
trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.
Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid
that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin
away with it. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2
inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.
_______________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot curry?
Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report
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Foz
Member
Registered: 8th May 02
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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Yes 1 can and i am half pissed, it used to be a Bass Shandy but now i am 19 i can take 1 can.
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Rob R
Member
Registered: 31st May 03
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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go u!
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JoeyB
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 03
Location: Fareham HANTS, Drives: Astra Coupe Turbo
User status: Offline
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well
son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to Check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy, so the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed going at it doggy style with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored And the
Future is in deep shit.
Sounds familiar doesn't it !!!!
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