kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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Ok i will start.
A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!!! no really though.........
A guy walks into a bar and asks for an aftershock. The barman agrees and sets it down to him. The guy drinks it and then asks for another one...then another...then another.....then another. After that the barman asks him why he is taking these and he replies.... "First ever blowjob". The barman then congratulates him and offers another aftershock on teh house but the guy refuses and says... "if 5 aftershocks don't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will!!!"
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Hintz
Member
Registered: 8th Aug 02
Location: Surrey Nr.Guildford Car: Astra Gsi (rep)
User status: Offline
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Pffffffff
Have some quality shit!
MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE PICK UP LINES
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a sl*t.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and s*ck me off just yet.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done sh*gging you in the back of my car,
I
don't give a sh*t where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your ar*e.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to
shake off once you've been sh*gged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants
Man: You're pretty
Woman: P*ss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly.
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Tommy
Member
Registered: 24th Aug 00
Location: Essex, Colchester
User status: Offline
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LMFAO brilliant 
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kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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Man: did it hurt?
woman: what, when i fell from heaven?
man: no when you fell from the ugly tree
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Tommy
Member
Registered: 24th Aug 00
Location: Essex, Colchester
User status: Offline
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More more more
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Cybermonkey
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 02
Location: Sydney, Australia
User status: Offline
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LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Cybermonkey
Member
Registered: 22nd Sep 02
Location: Sydney, Australia
User status: Offline
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ROTFLMAO WEACAVN!!!!!
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kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Cybermonkey24
ROTFLMAO WEACAVN!!!!!
wtf?
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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This young couple was about to get married and the night
before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided
that the one thing that they never wanted to have a
problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.
To solve that problem they decided to come up with a
"code word" to help break the ice when asking for sex.
While they were trying to think of a word the washing
machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have
an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?"
So washing machine it was...
A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed
and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband
rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing machine?", and
she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache,
I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he say's,
"Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll
to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep.
However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking,
gosh we've only been married 1 year so we're still practically
newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over
to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still awake??",
and he replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says,
"Washing Machine?!?!?!?" and he replies, "Forget about
it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."
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mike16v
Member
Registered: 20th May 02
Location: sheffield, yorkshire
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by kerzo
quote:
Originally posted by Cybermonkey24
ROTFLMAO WEACAVN!!!!!
wtf?
yeah WTF??
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cdcool1
Member
Registered: 9th Jun 02
Location: Scunny
User status: Offline
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roll on the floor laughin my arse off .....not sure bout weacavn
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kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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What the difference betwen acne and a priest?
Acne doesnt come onto your face til u are a teenager!! lol
How do u circumsize a priest?
Slap a choirboy on the back of his head!
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!
All $10 million of it...Woooohoooo!"
"That's great, Darling !", he replies,
"Do I pack for the beach or for the ski slopes ?"
'Who cares," she replies, "Just f_ck off !"
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with
profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? "Why
did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is
more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My
wife's first husband."
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me
six double vodkas." The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one
hell of a day."
"Yes, I"ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the
answer came back, "I"ve just found out that my younger brother is
gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered
another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Gee, doesn't anybody
in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was
only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other
man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering
where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out :
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"
The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting
alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am
Jesus," he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you
to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in
thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of
Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of
bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts
the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches
our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years
is gone! It's a miracle!!!"
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon
letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the
migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a
miracle!!!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:
"Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"
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kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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Paddy englishman, paddy scotsman and paddy irishman have all just escaped from prison and are on the run. As the guards and police are hot on their trail they decide to hide.
Paddy englishman jumps into a bin, paddy scotsman gets inot a cardboard box and paddy irishman gets into a sack.
Teh police think they hear something down the alleyway that the three paddy's are in so they go and investigate.
Firstly they kick the bin and paddy englishman does some quick thinking and goes woof woof woof. the police then dismiss this as a dog and move on. When they spot the cardboard box they kick it aswell and paddy scotsman lets out a big meeeeoooooooow. the cops dismiss this as a cat and move on.
Finally they come to the sack with paddy irishman in it and start to poke it when paddy irishman shouts "BAG OF SPUDS"
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kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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Whast the difference between michael jackson and a shopping bag?
One is plastic and dangerous to children, the other carries your groceries!
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punto_96
Member
Registered: 30th Jun 02
Location: Kent
User status: Offline
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!
Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my c*ck
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard
Little boy blue,
he needed the money.
Little bow peep f*cked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.
Mary had a little lamb
it's fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it's pink a**hole.
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kerzo
Member
Registered: 10th Nov 02
Location: Norn Iron
User status: Offline
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this wee guy about 5 loves tractors and his dad asks him what he wants for christmas. obviously the wee guy says a tractor and good enuf he gets a wee push along tractor and he's happy.
when he was 10 his dad asks him again what he wants. the wee guy says i still love tractors so can i have a tractor. so on christmas morn he gets a nice red ride on tractor.
when he is 18 his dad says what do u want for christmas. the guy says i really really love tractors so i want a tractor. so on xmas day his dad gives his son a brnad new tractor and he goes out onto the fields to drive it.
when he is 25 after goin out with this girl for a few years she comes with an ultimatum.... either the tractor or her.
so the guy says as much as i really really love tractors i love you more and that was his decision.
so 10 years down the line whenever he is 35 he is down at his local having a pint when the barman shouts GET OUT GET OUT!! THE PLACE IS ON FIRE
everyone scrambles to the exits but they are jammed and everyone pannicks. then at that moment the guiy stands up on top of the bar and takes a huge breath in and all teh smoke and flames go into his lungs and teh people are saved.
Everone is shocked at what they have seen and the barman says how the hell did u do that? the guy replies.... i am an ex-tractor fan!!!
took a while but got there in the end!
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Hintz
Member
Registered: 8th Aug 02
Location: Surrey Nr.Guildford Car: Astra Gsi (rep)
User status: Offline
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Hehe some gooduns here 
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Hintz
Member
Registered: 8th Aug 02
Location: Surrey Nr.Guildford Car: Astra Gsi (rep)
User status: Offline
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Healthy Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. What's your secret
for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he
said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case
of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the
weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
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OFcorsa
Member
Registered: 6th Jan 03
Location: Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
User status: Offline
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2 irishman (paddy and murphy) walking down the road paddy turns to murphy and says" fook me murphy thats a big burn down the side of your face"
murphy says "I know, i was doing the ironing the other week and some bastard phoned me up"
So paddy says "thats another big burn on the other side of your face"
Murphy says"well i had to ring an ambulance didn't i"
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Gambit
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 00
Location: Common Sense HQ
User status: Offline
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Fred West's next door neighbour is out the back garden one morning hanging her washin out, when she see's Fred in the back garden with a pickaxe,
she asks Fred what he's doing?
to which Fred replies "Just getting the kids up for school"
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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harsh gambit but funny
Gavin 
----------------------------------------
West Midlands
VxlSCC Member
b19.gav@corsasport.co.uk
pew pew pew pewwwww
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