taylorboosh
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 07
User status: Offline
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One day little jonnys teacher says, "who ever can answer these questions, can have the rest of the day off, who said - ask not what your country can do for you?" before little jonny can speak molly shouts, "john f kennedy". The teacher congradulates her and allows her to leave, she then asks "who said - i can have a dream" this time before jonny can speak sarah shouts, "martin luther king" the teacher congradulates her and let her leave too. jonny is foaming by this point and as the teacher turns to walk away shouts, "i wish those bitches would keep thier mouthes shut!!" the teacher angered shouts, "who said that?" to which jonny replies...."wayne rooney miss see you tomorrow"
i lent the paki next door a tenner last week and havent seen him since, bargain
bbc have announced a new character for top gear, a mysterious hooded black man will go around stealing fast cars, know only as....... the nig
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Jakey
Premium Member
Registered: 4th Jun 07
Location: Sandbach
User status: Offline
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Google entertainment news: "Virtual Coronation Street game to be launched on Facebook"
Excellent, I'm looking forward to playing Rosie Webster and spending all day fingering my tight hot little shaven pussy and flicking my erect nipples.
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A2H GO
Member
Registered: 14th Sep 04
Location: Stoke
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by john-d
i lent the paki next door a tenner last week and havent seen him since, bargain
Fucking  This had me in literally out loud at my desk.
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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n the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog
and
began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tieing the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best >pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he
would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
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mike56gte
Member
Registered: 23rd Jun 09
Location: Fife, scotland Drives: Audi S3
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Bissmire
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?" The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.
that one made me laugh!
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a shit (think about it)
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.
Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home
Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: What's blue and fucks grannys?
A: Hypothermia
Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling
Q: How do you know when the vegitables are boiled?
A: The wheelchairs float to the top.
Q: how do you get a fat woman into bed?
A: piece of cake!
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Phillips_91
Member
Registered: 20th Jan 10
Location: Blackpool. Drives: Sapphire Black Mk4 Astra 1.8
User status: Offline
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A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"
The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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I would like to take time out to congratulate Dawn French for finally evolving into Snorlax.
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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Why is Michael Jackson rubbish at chess?
Because he's dead.
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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Why does Rupert the bear wear yellow chequered dungarees?
Because he's a cunt
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Hammer
Member
Registered: 11th Feb 04
User status: Offline
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Took a dyslexic bird home last night.......
She ended up cooking my sock.
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Root
Member
Registered: 28th Dec 08
User status: Offline
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I turned up to work the other day and my boss said "you should have been here at 8:30".
I said "why what happened at 8:30.
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 touched 6 when he was 3.
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Root
Member
Registered: 28th Dec 08
User status: Offline
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As harry reached into the mans cloak and grabbed his magical wand,
he began to regret moving to catholic school.
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mike56gte
Member
Registered: 23rd Jun 09
Location: Fife, scotland Drives: Audi S3
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by A2H GO
quote:
Originally posted by john-d
i lent the paki next door a tenner last week and havent seen him since, bargain
Fucking This had me in literally out loud at my desk.
me too!!
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alan-g-w
Member
Registered: 9th Nov 07
Location: Glasgow
User status: Offline
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My son has just been kicked out of his sexual health educaton class. The teacher asked "What methods are there for limiting the size of your family?"
It seems that a package holiday to Portugal is not on the list of correct answers
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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A guy posted an ebay bid on a car forum right and then ........ Oh wait!
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Tomnova16
Premium Member
Registered: 21st Jan 06
Location: Gerrards Cross Drives: Porsche 911
User status: Offline
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Bumped for antnee
[Edited on 08-10-2010 by Tomnova16]
http://www.lemass.co.uk/ for all your automotive/bodyshop needs
Located in Chalfont st Peter
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sc0ott
Member
Registered: 16th Feb 09
User status: Offline
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normally KitKat, you fat bitch."
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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When I was clearing out my loft, I stumbled across a dusty old DVD called 'Bald and Barely legal'.
As I sat on my bed, cock in hand, you can imagine my disappointment as I find out it was actually a DVLA video for tyre tread depths.
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Jambo
Member
Registered: 8th Sep 01
Location: Maidenhead, Drives: VXR Arctic
User status: Offline
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at some of these
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dan_m1les
Member
Registered: 8th May 06
Location: Burnham, Buckinghamshire
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Bissmire
When I was clearing out my loft, I stumbled across a dusty old DVD called 'Bald and Barely legal'.
As I sat on my bed, cock in hand, you can imagine my disappointment as I find out it was actually a DVLA video for tyre tread depths.
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Bissmire
Member
Registered: 30th Sep 08
User status: Offline
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I've just been to the doctors to get the results back from the lump I have.
He said, ''Do you want the good news, or the bad news''?
I said ''The good news''
He replied, ''I think you'd look really good in a bandana''
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Baskey
Member
Registered: 31st May 06
User status: Offline
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Was at a wild muslim bachelor party last night ,
one of the women got her face out for the lads
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sc0ott
Member
Registered: 16th Feb 09
User status: Offline
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Statistically 9/11 americans wont get this.
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MarkSport
Member
Registered: 22nd May 09
User status: Offline
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Pope's doing a crossword and says to the bishop, four letter word for a woman ending in UNT.Bishops replies AUNT. Pope says very good. Got any Tippex?
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