vibrio
Banned
Registered: 28th Feb 01
Location: POAH
User status: Offline
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Dear girls,
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality,
feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!!
Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead....
Long live the man of the new millennium. Listen up ladies;
this is how it really is...
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, just put the bloody thing down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when
we dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always
cut their hair.
4. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... Again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!
9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
10. Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'no' and 'mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be intended two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired
and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "no, couldn’t/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, good wine and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category "garnish".
29. Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn this, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
30. Crying is emotional blackmail.
31. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
32. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
33. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
34. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
35. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's genetic.
36. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
37. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
38. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
39. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff in your navel, zen and the art of picking your nose, the 4-4-2 formation or the benefits of drinking real ale.
40. You have enough clothes, and too many shoes. Yes, you did hear right. Too
many shoes!!
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
The ball's in your court.
Sincerely,
The Lads
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BabyBlade
Member
Registered: 5th Feb 03
Location: Hereford Rides: Ninja 600
User status: Offline
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didnt read that but the start looked good 
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Icy
Member
Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
User status: Offline
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Drew
Banned
Registered: 24th Nov 01
Location: County Durham
User status: Offline
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18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
lol: 
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Mattb
Member
Registered: 2nd Feb 03
Location: Under your sisters bed
User status: Offline
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Vibs........layin down the LAW!! nice one!
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Cosmo
Member
Registered: 29th Mar 01
Location: Im the real one!
User status: Offline
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I feel that this should be printed out and signed by every woman before you go out with them!
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charcoalgrill
Member
Registered: 23rd Oct 02
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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tazgirl22
Member
Registered: 2nd Oct 02
Location: Luton
User status: Offline
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funny stuff. True as well
[Edited on 19-09-2003 by tazgirl22]
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Paul
Member
Registered: 16th Apr 02
Location: Oop north.
User status: Offline
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that is funny as fuck and true as well nice one vibs i'm going to print it off and get my girlfriend to sign it
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cdcool1
Member
Registered: 9th Jun 02
Location: Scunny
User status: Offline
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you've put quite a bit of thought into that lot aint ya
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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Very true, this is the start of a revolution, i'm going to take this home and make my girlfriend study it then test her several times, this way she won't forget.
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Tom
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
User status: Offline
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I don't think he actually wrote it 
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mav
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Scotland
User status: Offline
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too true m8....
quality stuff..
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