Tom J
Organiser: South Wales
Premium Member
Registered: 8th Sep 03
Location: Bridgend
User status: Offline
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Any1 got any? I really need sum humour
[Edited on 29-01-2004 by flameredcorsab]
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Colin
Member
Registered: 4th Apr 02
User status: Offline
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Get a grip FFS
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Tom J
Organiser: South Wales
Premium Member
Registered: 8th Sep 03
Location: Bridgend
User status: Offline
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just needed sum humour, god i get so bored that i just 
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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cheer up mate....it may ever happen!
pew pew pew pewwwww
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Tom J
Organiser: South Wales
Premium Member
Registered: 8th Sep 03
Location: Bridgend
User status: Offline
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any1 got any jokes?
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Gavin
Premium Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: West Midlands
User status: Offline
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knock knock.......
pew pew pew pewwwww
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Tom J
Organiser: South Wales
Premium Member
Registered: 8th Sep 03
Location: Bridgend
User status: Offline
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whos there
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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Little Johnny and the 3 Little Pigs:
The teacher was reading the story of the "3 Little Pigs" to her class. She got to the part of the story where the 1st pig was trying to gather building material for his house.
She read "..... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me
sir, may have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class
"And what do you think the man said?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said
"I think he said: "WELL FCUK ME ... a talking pig"
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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mating call of a cuckoo?
cuckoo cuckoo.
mating call of an owl?
twit a woo twit a woo.
mating call of a blackbird?
go on leeroy, stick it up me ar5e!
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Trotty
Member
Registered: 22nd Feb 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Stuckey
mating call of a cuckoo?
cuckoo cuckoo.
mating call of an owl?
twit a woo twit a woo.
mating call of a blackbird?
go on leeroy, stick it up me ar5e!
Made me chuckle that
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Tom J
Organiser: South Wales
Premium Member
Registered: 8th Sep 03
Location: Bridgend
User status: Offline
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo!
When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music.
When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.
Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and I shouted "Fucking Kids"
..... and it played Michael Jackson.
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents'house for dinner. This is to
>>be
>> > > her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all
>>sit
>> > > down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a
>> > > little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
>>casserole.
>> > > The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
>> > >
>> > > Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and
>>lets
>> > > out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard
>>the
>> > > pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
>> > > father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's
>>feet
>> > > and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This
>>is
>> > > great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes
>>later,
>> > > she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even
>> > > hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again
>> > > looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
>> > >
>> > > Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later
>>the
>> > > woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think
>>about
>> > > it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once
>>again,
>> > > the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy,
>> > > get away from her before she shits on you!"
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"Wow! Tell me more. So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals.
Had a wife - what a b*tch she was, had a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
"Good morning, Boss "Happy Birthday".
And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
i said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"
"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----
naked.
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears
his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE,
TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it
go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed."
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Stuckey
Member
Registered: 5th Jun 02
Location: Plumstead, Greater London
User status: Offline
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enough jokes for ya?
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Tom J
Organiser: South Wales
Premium Member
Registered: 8th Sep 03
Location: Bridgend
User status: Offline
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aye cheers
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Icy
Member
Registered: 31st Jan 01
Location: Edinburgh Drives: Mk3 Golf Gti
User status: Offline
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quality
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Corsa_Sri_93
Member
Registered: 25th Jun 02
Location: Bitchin' Hitchin
User status: Offline
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A bloke was sitting in a pub having a drink or two when the
most beautiful woman he had ever clapped eyes on, came and
stood next to him and ordered a drink. Noting she had
ordered just the one drink he engaged her in small talk,
as you do in that situation.
After a short time she was in need of a refill.
“Can I get you another drink?” ha asks, followed by “Sorry,
I didn’t catch your name.”
"Carmen" She replied
“What a nice name” the bloke said.
“Yes it’s rather fitting as I like CARS and I like MEN.
What’s your name?” She asked.
"CHARLIE BEERCUNT" He replied
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