leeshez
Member
Registered: 3rd May 01
Location: Great Harwood, Lancashire
User status: Offline
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Here are some joke i guess a few have been posted but here goes enjoy 
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and **** herself.
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can't beat a blowjob.
Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"
Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car
Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand
Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"
Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the sea.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse
Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.
Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog
Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate
Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her feet
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig
Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer
Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway
Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B
Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog
Q: What's the difference between bogies and brussel sprouts?
A: Kids won't eat brussel sprouts
Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out
Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market
Q. Why do women wear make up & perfume.
A. Because they're ugly & they smell
Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
Q. Why do they call it PMT?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
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