Darren
Member
Registered: 21st Apr 02
Location: Hadleigh, Suffolk
User status: Offline
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Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus
said "Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope,it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean into identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
"No,it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well,
Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went
into
town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with the two
arseholes....'"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal
to
put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to
carry
five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means
four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking
the
law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A young Irish brunette goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the
doctor.
"Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.Everywhere
shetouches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a
brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a
broken finger."
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them
back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors
were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the
lounge."What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear -shattering blow
with
an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****
sake,
you ******, it's twenty to two
in the ****ing morning!!
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