Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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FPMSL 
Derek & Clive -
"In The Lav"
[ from the album "(Live)" (1976) ]
DEREK:
Er, well, I was, er, I was down Hampstead tube, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... down the lav there .....
CLIVE:
What, right down the lav?
DEREK:
No, I don't mean down the fucking lav, cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, what d'you mean then?
DEREK:
I .....
CLIVE:
Were you or were you not down the lav? You said-, you articulated the sentiment that you were down the lav.
DEREK:
What I meant was I was down the ..... down the fucking gents. Right?
CLIVE:
You were in the lav?
DEREK:
I was not in the fucking lav!
CLIVE:
You were in the lavatory?
DEREK:
I was not in the basin.
CLIVE:
No, I-, ..... no, all I's trying to establish is where you fucking were!
DEREK:
Well, I was in the lav.
CLIVE:
Fine. Right. There's no need to .....
DEREK:
Not floating like a lonely turd.
CLIVE:
No, I knew that.
DEREK:
That settles that.
CLIVE:
O.K., fine.
DEREK:
Right ..... I was down the lav, ......
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, I was sitting there .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, .....
DEREK:
..... and, er, suddenly a little bit of paper come under the fucking door .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, ..... (sniggers)
CLIVE:
Yeah, what, what-
DEREK:
I opened it up.
CLIVE:
No, no, could you go back a bit there?
DEREK:
What, you lost me?
CLIVE:
Yeah. A bit of paper come under the door .....
DEREK:
Bit of paper come under the fucking door .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and, er, I opened it up .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... and it said, "Are you handy?"
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And I thought, "'ullo, some cunt is showing out."
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
So, I pulled up my trousers .....
CLIVE:
'Cause they were down, were they?
DEREK:
They were down .....
CLIVE:
Yeah-h.
DEREK:
..... round my ankles.
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, that's-, that's clever, that, 'cause, you know, I sometimes make the mistake of, er, not getting my trousers down and then I find the usual experience is that I get a load of crap in my trousers, which is a fucking headache. If there's one thing I can't stand it's, er, walking around all day with warm crap all over me.
DEREK:
Yeah. Oh, I agree.
CLIVE:
I try and rule that out of my life .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... I don't know about you.
DEREK:
Well, there's no point in, er, .....
CLIVE:
Sq-
DEREK:
..... making things difficult.
CLIVE:
There's no point in squelching every time you sit down.
DEREK:
No. How c-
CLIVE:
But that's just a personal view.
DEREK:
No, yeah. No, well, of course there is the fucking pong as well.
CLIVE:
Well, I'll tell you, four years ago I done about, ooh, must have been, well, round about, er, five and half pounds of crap .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... in my trousers, 'cause they weighed it later at the forensic laboratories. An-n-nd, the pong from that was fucking staggering.
DEREK:
(laughs loud)
CLIVE:
You know what they did?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
The police come round - you know where I live?
DEREK:
What, er, .....
CLIVE:
I-, round, you know, ..... in Islington. The police come round and said the Queen Mother .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... who lives, sh-, you know, .....
DEREK:
Well, fucking miles away.
CLIVE:
..... miles away in Buckingham Palace, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... had got a whiff of it .....
DEREK:
Fuck me!
CLIVE:
And, er, they took me away .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and had me scraped .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, .....
DEREK:
Did she come and, er, identify the whiff?
CLIVE:
Yeah, she had-, well, she was a vi-, she was a key witness.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And she come along with her Japanese masseur. D'you know him?
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
The Japanese masseur, the Queen Mother has.
DEREK:
'Masseur' Hulot! Eh-huh-huh .....
CLIVE:
Aww, that's fucking good, that, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... you could be on the radio .....
DEREK:
Yeah ..... yeah.
CLIVE:
..... with that type of stuff.
DEREK:
Huh.
CLIVE:
And, er, no, the Queen Mother come down .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... from the palace with the masseur and identified the pong.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, you know, there were-, it was an identity parade. They had eleven separate heaps of shit .....
DEREK:
Yeah. What, and she .....
CLIVE:
..... one of which was mine.
DEREK:
She dipped into 'em, did she? Or-
CLIVE:
She was blindfold.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And she walked by each heap .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and sniffed .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and she got mine f-, right off, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... like that, said, "That is the one."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
A-
DEREK:
So what'd they do? They, er, nick you?
CLIVE:
No, th-, they held me over night .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... but I applied for Lucozade and I was released on bail.
DEREK:
Yeah.
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Jules
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Registered: 26th Nov 04
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk Status: Happy
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Cybermonkey Clive? Gianluigi Clive? Or Sir Clive Sinclair?
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SVM 286
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Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
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Brilliant stuff Ollie. 
Fucking love D & C.
Got everything they did.
How long did it take you to do that?
For anyone who likes proper comedy, I can also highly recomend Sam kinison, and Bill Hicks.
[Edited on 02-05-2006 by SVM 286]
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Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
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This website
http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/
That will keep me busy tomorrow
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Steve
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Registered: 30th Mar 02
Location: Worcestershire Drives: Defender
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its me and oliver to a tea that is
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Tom
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Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: Wirral, Merseyside
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Oh good god i read about half of that, what the fuck is the point?
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dave17
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Registered: 3rd Sep 02
Location: Greater London
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quote:
Originally posted by Tom
Oh good god i read about half of that, what the fuck is the point?
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Jason Iles
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Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
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you guys are lucky I read it all
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Sam
Moderator
Premium Member
Registered: 24th Dec 99
Location: West Midlands
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They are quality!
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SVM 286
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Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
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quote:
Originally posted by Tom
Oh good god i read about half of that, what the fuck is the point?
It's not realy meant to be read Tom.
You need to hear it to appreciate it. 
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SVM 286
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Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
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My favourites are 'the worst job' sketch (getting lobsters out of Jane Mansfield's arse), 'Top Rank Ballroom' and 'Some bloke came up to me and called me cunt.
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Sam
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Premium Member
Registered: 24th Dec 99
Location: West Midlands
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Has anyone heard this one before? I fucking creased up with laughter!
http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_13.htm
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SVM 286
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Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
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''Everything gives me the horn'' 
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Sam
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Premium Member
Registered: 24th Dec 99
Location: West Midlands
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Ojc
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Registered: 14th Nov 00
Location: Reading: Drives : Clio 197
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by SVM 286
My favourites are 'the worst job' sketch (getting lobsters out of Jane Mansfield's arse), 'Top Rank Ballroom' and 'Some bloke came up to me and called me cunt.
Fcuk me theirs a gorilla doing my missus up the arse
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SVM 286
Member
Registered: 13th Feb 05
Location: pain
User status: Offline
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'' THERE'S A FUCKING GREAT GORILLA, FUCKING THE ARSE OFF ME FUCKING WIFE!!!''
Genius.
Got it on now.
Can't find Ad Nauseum though. 
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