groom
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Jonny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team
mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for
this game. We know it's important but we've beaten South Africa, Wales and
France.... and, well let's be honest, it's only Australia. They're crap and
we can't be bothered"
Jonny looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I
reckon I can beat these by myself! So I tell you what, why don't you lads
go down the pub and leave the rest to me!"
So Jonny goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the England
team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the TV on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 7 - Australia 0 (Wilkinson
- 10 minutes - Converted Try)".
He is beating Australia all by himself they snigger!
Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten
until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how Jonny got
on".
So they put the TV back on. "Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson
10 minutes) - Australia 7 (Sailor 79 minutes)".
They can't believe it, Jonny has single-handedly got a draw against
Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him, but they find him in the
dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He
refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Jonny.
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself!... And
they only scored at the very, very end!" says the rest of the team.
No, No, I have" says Jonny, "I've let you down..... I got sent off after 12
minutes"
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groom
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post your funnies here 
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groom
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Possibly true... an easyJet attendant once welcomed us to London Luton upon
landing at Belfast International... then she completely corpsed while her
colleagues wet themselves laughing...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd
like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as f*** everything has shifted."
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
child, pick your favourite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if
I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
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groom
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Location: In front of my pc
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FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found
under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the
folds of her vulva.
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the_legend_of_yrag
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Registered: 7th Jul 03
Location: Cambridgeshire
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Second one too long too read, and the first has been done in footballing terms!!!!
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groom
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PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him
during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had
a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
these r too good
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groom
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Location: In front of my pc
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PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said
that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his
boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was
removed...along with a ping pong ball.
----------------------------------------------------
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while
trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out
halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a
suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been
trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
----------------------------------------------------------
(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in
bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they
had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion,
the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in
the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the
man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the
man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go!
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groom
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Location: In front of my pc
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Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing.
His mum looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of Smarties,
licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of steps to
the left and sitting down again.
She goes out to see what on earth he is up to. By the time she gets to him,
he's done the same set of actions another four times.
"Johnny', she screams, 'What are you doing?!'
'Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm popping pills, licking
pussy and moving on.'
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the_legend_of_yrag
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Registered: 7th Jul 03
Location: Cambridgeshire
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^^^^^heheh
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groom
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Registered: 19th Apr 03
Location: In front of my pc
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ttt
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groom
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Registered: 19th Apr 03
Location: In front of my pc
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ttt post some peeps om bores
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