Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
[Edited on 11/01/03 by Mattss Corsa]
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
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A1EX
Member
Registered: 29th Mar 00
Location: Turku, Finland
User status: Offline
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 very good
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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 Lol the blond one made me crack up lol
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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kortas
Member
Registered: 21st May 03
Location: Stockport
User status: Offline
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^^ lmfao
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Be Careful With That Viagra
Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?
A: He got a stiff neck.
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Dom
Member
Registered: 13th Sep 03
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Mattss Corsa
Be Careful With That Viagra
Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?
A: He got a stiff neck.
heard before mate...tut tut
keep em coming mate 
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Bin Laid
How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Blonde and Doorknobs
What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Blonde and Tracks
What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
They have both been laid all over America.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Bone Diggers
What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Boy Scout
Why did the boy scout get kicked out?
He was caught eating a brownie!
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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MAKES ME LAUGH LOL!
Bufallo Billy
Buffallo Billy had a ten-foot willy
He showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
So she whacked it with a rake
And now it's only five foot four
[Edited on 11/01/03 by Mattss Corsa]
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Burger King
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Caution: Condom Crossing
Why'd the condom cross the road?
He got pissed off!
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Children and Cars
Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Clinton 'n' Buddy
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Condom
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me I'm going in.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Condom Brands
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction.
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Mattss Corsa
Member
Registered: 11th Jan 03
Location: Milton Keynes (BUCKS)
User status: Offline
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Im gunna slow down Not put as much on for u lot Am i boring u?
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Dom
Member
Registered: 13th Sep 03
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Mattss Corsa
Caution: Condom Crossing
Why'd the condom cross the road?
He got pissed off!
HAHAHAHA
which site are you pulling these off? some good ones there though mate
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little_duke
Member
Registered: 21st Aug 06
Location: Tamworth,staffordshire Drives: rover coupe
User status: Offline
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after 3 years of untampered jokes,heres some
a man goes to a prostitute to get sex,whilst he was taking his trousers off the prostitute farts.he repliys "fuck that,you can have your money" and runs
her 2nd punter she does the same so he runs aswell,realising she can make more by not actually having sex she trys her luck with the 3rd
an afro carabian guy walks in,starts to unzip his trousers
so she farts,he carrys on undressing so she farts again
after realising he isnt gonna start she replies"cant you smell that,it stinks"
so the guy replys "yeah but when you see what i got for you your gonna shit yourself!!!!!!!
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