turbodreams
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Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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A woman working in a bank is approached by a robber one day whilst working. The man orders for the money to be handed over but the woman, being the hero, tries to stop him. The bank robber shoots her three times in the stomach.
Arriving at the hospital, the woman is carried to the surgery to have the bullets removed but the doctor is surprised to find none.
Three years later the woman has triplets and they grow up.
One day one of the boys runs in and starts shouting..
"Mum, mum! I just took a pee and peed out a bullet!"
The mum looks at him strangely and the boy runs away. Suddenly, the second boy runs in and says..
"Mum, mum! I just took a pee and peed out a bullet!"
The mum looks at him strangely and the boy runs away. The third one runs in and before he can say anything the mother says..
"Peed a bullet?"
The boy looks at her and replies..
"No mum.. I had a wank and shot the dug!"
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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An Irishman, a Australian and a Liverpudlian are in a pub having a drink when they notice a man sitting on his own on the other side of the pub.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out: "My God! I know who that man is - its Jesus"!
The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"?
Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head "yes I am Jesus" he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there, a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out: "Oi You! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods his head and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartended send over a pot of Dodgy for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years is gone! It's a miracle!!!!"
Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "by jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 10 years is completely gone - it's a miracle !!!!"
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says: "Back off mate! I'm on disability!"
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Funny(click here)
[Edited on 30-08-2004 by turbodreams]
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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1. Q: How can you tell if a blond's having a bad day?
A: She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil.
2. Q: How did the blond break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
3. Q: If a blond and a brunette both jump off of a building at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
A: The brunette: the blond has to stop and ask for directions.
4. Q: What do a blond and a screen door have in common?
A: The more you bang them, the looser they get.
5. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: - Put three pennies in a pool and tell her there's four.
- Put a picture of a hot guy at the bottom of the pool.
- Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
6. Q: How do you kill a blond?
A: Put spikes on her shoulder pads.
7. Q: How do you make a blond's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
8. Q: What do you call six blonds in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
9. Q: What do you call four blonds in a Volkswagon?
A: Farfromthinkin.
10. Q: What do you call a brunette and two blonds?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks.
11. There were three blonds walking through the forest one day. They saw some tracks running on the ground. One pointed and said, "Look! Deer tracks!" One of the others said, "No, dummy, those are bear tracks." The third said, "You're both wrong. Those are cougar tracks." Right about then the train hit them.
12. There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on a desert island twenty miles from the mailand. One day, they decided to swim to shore. The redhead hopped in and swam four miles before getting tired and swimming back. The brunette jumped in and swam nine miles before getting tired and swimming back. The blond though, got in and swam fifteen miles. But she got tired and swam back.
13. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
14. How does a blond try to kill a fish?
A: She tries to drown it.
15. Q: What's the first thing a blond does in the morning?
A: Goes home.
16. Q: How do you get a blond to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
17. Q: What does she ask you when you tell her she's pregnant?
A: How do you know it's mine?
18. Q: How do you confuse a blond?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.
19. Q: How does she confuse you?
A: She asks you which corner.
20. Q: What does a blond put behind her ears to get pregnant?
A: Her ankles.
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A blond walks into a bar and orders four bottles of wine and a glass. The bar tender says, "Celebrating?" The blond nods and tells him there will be more. A few minutes later, a couple more blonds walk in, get glasses and join the first blond. They fill their glasses and start dancing around singing, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" A few minutes later, a few more blonds walk in and join the other three, filling their glasses and dancing around, singing. This continues to happen until there are quite a few blonds, all dancing around singing, "Fifty-one days! Fifty-one days!" The bar tender just can't stand it anymore. He asks one of the blonds what they are dancing around and singing for. The blond leans over and says, "Well, we got a puzzle, and on the side it said two to three years. We finished it in just fifty-one days!"
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A blond walks into the barber shop wearing headphones. The man there says, "Can I help you miss?" She says, "Yes, I'd like a haircut." They man says, "Fine, but you have to take the headphones off." The blond says, "I'm sorry, I just can't do that. They have to stay on." The man sighs and says, "Okay, but it won't be the best." The blond says that it's alright, but the headphones must stay on. So he gives her her haircut. A few weeks later, the blond comes back, still wearing the headphones. "I need another haircut," she says. "Okay miss, but you have to take those headphones off. I can't give you a proper haircut when you're wearing them." The blond shakes her head and insist that they stay on. "Alright..." he says, and gives her a haircut. A few weeks later, the blond comes back, again asking for a haircut. "Alright lady, but this time you absolutely have to take those headphones off." The blond again insists that she cannot take the headphones off and that he just do his best. He agrees, but while he is giving her the haircut, he realizes her simply cannot put up with it any more, and takes the headphones off the blond. She falls over, dead. Puzzled, the he puts the headphones to his ears to hear what she was listening to. "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
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There was a blond driving past a wheat field one day, and saw another blond in a rowboat in the middle of the field, rowing away. The blond in the car grumbled and said to herself, "You know, it's blonds like her that give all us smart blonds a bad name. If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick her butt."
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A blond just got done at the salon, getting her hair dyed brown because she was tired of all those stupid blond jokes. On her way home, she had to stop because a farmer was driving his flock of sheep across the highway. The farmer said, "Sorry miss, but this will take a while." The blond said, "Oh, it's okay. I'll just wait." The farmer nodded and continued his work. A few minutes later he says, "Say, if you can guess exactly how many sheep I have, I will give you one." The blond thought for a minute, then said, "Six hundred, ninety-eight." The farmer nodded and said, "Wow, that's exactly right! Go ahead and pick a sheep." So the blond got out of her car, picked a sheep up and put it in her car. The blond, feeling a rather good about her new look, said to the farmer, "So if you can guess my natural colour, you can have your sheep back." The farmer nodded. "Blond. May I have my dog back now?"
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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1. Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
2. Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
3. Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
4. Q. What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
5. Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
6. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
7. Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
8. Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
9. Q: Moms have Mother's Day, Dads have Father's Day, what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
10. Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
11. Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
12. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
13. Q: What do you call a dump truck full of sex toys?
A: Toys for twats.
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Im Bored its a bank Holiday and im Workin 
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Whats Black and White and Sits Up a Tree?
A Fridge wi a Leather Jacket
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CORSA NUT
Member
Registered: 3rd Aug 01
Location: Wirral
User status: Offline
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A 3 year old has a wank?
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turbodreams
Member
Registered: 22nd Jul 04
Location: East Dunbartonshire
User status: Offline
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Three years later the woman has triplets and they grow up.
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