M2RTY
Member
Registered: 25th May 01
User status: Offline
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Ha Haaaaar. My mate wrote these e-mails to Ribena... Ive seen the berrys it is true! Its a bit long - but worth the read - clever c**t!
Here follows the full transcript of the Ribena Saga...
Legitimate Correspondence between my good self and the rather nice people at
Ribena.
Evidence that there are still people left in the world with a sense of humour.
Enjoy...
Original Mail
-----------------------------------------
Dear Trusted Family Beverage Manufacturers,
I am writing to you regarding your delicious Blackcurrant Juice Drink. (The
regular one - not the one that makes your teeth not all fall out at once.)
I purchased a carton of the said delicious drink from a travelling snack
vendor who happened, per chance, to be travelling through the car park
outside my office. (This in itself struck me as suspicious as there is no
continuation of the thoroughfare on the far side of the car park so, in
fact, it was a ridiculous place for a travelling snack vendor to be
travelling - as technically there is no where to travel to other than where
you have already been, and it stands to reason that the patrons in this
area are already snacked up to the eyeballs from your visit not minutes
earlier.
Not exactly normal behaviour, but still, I digress.) as I stated earlier, I
purchased a carton of your delicious blackcurrant juice drink from the
suspicious street pedlar and returned to my desk. Upon seating myself back
in my swivel chair I prodded the small - yet flexible - straw provided into
the carton and attempted to enjoy my delicious blackcurrant juice drink.
Unfortunately I feel compelled to inform you that my experience was not an
enjoyable one. The contents of the carton were warm (not your fault I
realise) and the flavour was not the normal delicious blackcurrant juice
drink I have come to expect. I pride myself in being something of a
connoisseur of your delightful range of products, in fact my 4-year-old
daughter is a big fan of the toothkind range of concentrates available in
all good supermarkets, but on this occasion I was less than happy with my
experience. The drink tasted slightly sharp and I experienced a slight
burning sensation in my right nostril throughout the entire drinking
process. I persevered and finished the carton but in the following minutes
I proceeded to belch loudly 3 or 4 times - something which is very alien to
me, as in general I am very polite and try to avoid that sort of thing. It
was the events that followed that really concerned me. Approximately an
hour after finishing the drink I sneezed violently, (once again I cannot
attribute this to the drink - more than likely due to the woman at the desk
next to mine who wears some sort of horrific perfume which I can only
imagine is bottled in a chemical plant specialising in nerve gas.) and at
the same time as sneezing a small amount of wee fell out into the front of
my pants. This has never happened to me before and as the carton of your
not-so-delicious-on-this-occasion blackcurrant juice drink was the only
beverage to have passed my lips for the previous 5 hours I am concerned
that maybe there was a link between the drink and the small wet patch in my
under-crackers. I would be interested to know if you have had any other
recorded incidents or complaints regarding sudden impromptu temporary
incontinence and if so whether the pant-stainers concerned had purchased
their drinks from shady mobile food pirates from hell.
I look forward to your response,
Yours truly,
Robin Sankey
Response to Original Mail
-----------------------------------------
Dear Robin,
Thankyou for your email.
We are sorry to learn of your problems with a dodgy dealer. It sounds like
the product may have slightly fermented which may have been because he was
storing it incorrectly, It may be advisable to purchase Ribena from a
reputable company or shop in future.
If can advise us of your address we will be happy to send you some
complimentary vouchers so you can get some more Ribena.
Regards
Consumer Relations
Second Mail
-----------------------------------------
Dear Mr and Mrs Ribena,
Firstly let me thank you for your prompt response. I appreciate that you
are
probably inundated with mail from concerned temporarily incontinent
customers like myself.
Your advice has really set my mind at ease. I knew that neither you or your
wife would ever have created a sub-standard soft drink and made it
available to the general public. I will include my address at the bottom of
this mail
as I am more than happy to take up your kind offer of some vouchers to
purchase some more Ribena. I feel that at this time my trust of your
wonderful products has been slightly undermined through no fault of your
own and I agree that the best course of action would be for me to get
straight
back in the saddle and start enjoying your products again, although to
start with I may try drinking them in the bath where any minor 'wetting
incidents' should go unnoticed. When I progress on to drinking them in
public again I
may have to invest in some 'Special Pants' for the initial period until my
confidence returns.
I have taken heed of your advice regarding selecting retailers for the
acquisition of your products in the future and I am recording all my
results. You are more than welcome to see a copy of the data once I have
finished collating.
Might I suggest that you print a warning on the cartons in the future,
highlighting the dangers of purchasing your tasty products from
disreputable roving hawkers and urban migratory refreshment-hounds. I'm sure
there are
worse ways to mistreat a carton of drink than allowing it to ferment a
little due to wrongful storage conditions. The potential results don't bear
thinking about. A short burst of urine into the pants is one thing, but
supposing someone were to contract scurvy or worse still rickets... food
for thought I think you'll agree.
Anyway, best not to dwell on the potentially horrible, and in all honesty
it's never pleasant to discuss medical conditions that make your legs go
bendy.
All the best to you and your wife for the future,
May your soft drinks empire prosper for all your offspring to enjoy for
years to come,
Yours Truly
Robin Sankey
My address details are as follows:
Robin 'Wee-Pants' Sankey
XX Xxxxxx Close
Farnborough
Hampshire
GU14 XXX
PS. My 4 year old daughter would like a pet Ribena-Berry so if you could
see
your way clear to capturing one down in your bottling plant and sending us
that, it would be greatly appreciated, assuming of course that they are
neither hard or expensive to look after. (I don't relish the prospect of
paying a vetinary surgeon in excess of 247 pounds to neuter the little
beggar if he proceeds to keep dry-humping my leg.)
Response to Second Mail
-----------------------------------------
Dear Robin,
Yes good advise on drinking Ribena in the bath not only will it be safer
from any "little accidents" but also if you spill your Ribena it wont stain
your clothes.
There is no chance of developing scurvey when drinking Ribena as one carton
is your recommended daily intake of vitamin C.
Which is nice.
I have put two little same sex Ribena Berries (to keep your vets bill for
neutering down to a minimum) in the post along with a few vouchers to
replenish your stocks of yours and our favourite tipple.
take care
Mr and Mrs Ribena.
ps: we have enjoyed your emails, they have helped lighten the day !!!!
pps - took this from another site - marv
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DanielJ
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Registered: 21st Nov 01
Location: gwent, south wales
User status: Offline
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Tommy
Member
Registered: 24th Aug 00
Location: Essex, Colchester
User status: Offline
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Genious.
My sis one got a jelly babies mug and she wrote of saying that is was faltyl coz it was shaped as if it was wibly wobly jelly, she got a HUGE bag of jelly babaies back int he post.
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corsa5dr
Member
Registered: 12th Jan 03
Location: Bath/Bristol - Evo 4 GSR
User status: Offline
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quality 
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M2RTY
Member
Registered: 25th May 01
User status: Offline
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aye mate, its worth cheering these ppl up in sales and they send u loads of free stuff 
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Dav
Member
Registered: 23rd Jul 02
Location: Falkirk, Scotland
User status: Offline
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Phil Hall
Member
Registered: 28th Sep 01
Location: Belfast
User status: Offline
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Thats funny as fcuk. My mate at school years ago used to write similar letters off to companies not exactly complaining,
but with a minor grevience expressed in a mature and lighthearted way and he used to get vouchers sent to him for all sorts of stuff. He got a years supply of coke once!
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S1MON
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Registered: 9th Nov 01
Location: Woodley, Berkshire
User status: Offline
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Hillzlo
Member
Registered: 9th Nov 02
Location: Noitacol
User status: Offline
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Lynny
Member
Registered: 3rd Jan 03
Location: oop north! Where people talk properly
User status: Offline
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[Edited on 06-03-2003 by Lynny]
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Hillzlo
Member
Registered: 9th Nov 02
Location: Noitacol
User status: Offline
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I just fancy some Ribena now. I'll purchase it from a reputable company or shop though. Don't want any unfortunate 'Incidents'.
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M2RTY
Member
Registered: 25th May 01
User status: Offline
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wicked
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tomcoles203
Member
Registered: 22nd Oct 02
User status: Offline
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d0gz_bollox
Member
Registered: 8th Apr 02
Location: Walsall
User status: Offline
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quote:
He got a years supply of coke once!
Thats a fair few gram.
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Phil Hall
Member
Registered: 28th Sep 01
Location: Belfast
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by d0gz_bollox
quote:
He got a years supply of coke once!
Thats a fair few gram.
Can u imagine that, youknow those huge bags that builders merchants deliver 1 tonne of sand in........... well that would be nice.
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IntaCepta
Member
Registered: 25th Mar 02
Location: Mill Hill East, Greater London
User status: Offline
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lol drinkin a can of coke as i type!
made me smile!
mite cheer up a few fellows in sales for some company
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MatG
Member
Registered: 26th Apr 02
Location: Birmingham UK
User status: Offline
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Perfect.................who ever thought that up needs to get into comedy!!
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Tim
Site Administrator
Registered: 21st Apr 00
User status: Offline
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[Edited on 06-03-2003 by Tim]
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GT4Brody
Member
Registered: 26th Sep 01
Location: south
User status: Offline
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Highly amusing
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Andy Morley
Member
Registered: 2nd Apr 02
Location: South Yorkshire
User status: Offline
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classic, perfect wording
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Underwood
Member
Registered: 7th Sep 01
Location: Hull & Manchester
User status: Offline
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THAT WAS GOOD! EHEHEHEHHE
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Hintz
Member
Registered: 8th Aug 02
Location: Surrey Nr.Guildford Car: Astra Gsi (rep)
User status: Offline
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I'm goin to write to Red Bull and complain that i broke my leg thinking i had wings
see if they send me a crate 
[Edited on 06-03-2003 by Hintz]
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corb
Member
Registered: 24th Apr 02
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
User status: Offline
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red bull is no more, apparently its now called 'love'. No, really. some new cheesy chat up lines on their way there then!
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Nath
Member
Registered: 3rd Apr 02
Location: MK
User status: Offline
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quote:
Originally posted by Hintz
I'm goin to write to Red Bull and complain that i broke my leg thinking i had wings
see if they send me a crate
[Edited on 06-03-2003 by Hintz]
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CORSA NUT
Member
Registered: 3rd Aug 01
Location: Wirral
User status: Offline
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Sheer class!
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