Neo
Member
Registered: 20th Feb 07
Location: Essex
User status: Offline
|
Quite old but still funny !
Step #1: Don't freak out. Yes, this is really happening. You can call your friends later. Listen up.
Step #2: Act like it's not a big deal. Seem pleasantly surprised at the notion, as if you haven't been thinking about it every hour of every day since the two of you started dating/working together/caught eyes at an Incest Survivors Anonymous meeting.
Step #3: Set the mood. Now this will vary depending on your lover's personality. We've found that the most romantic time to have anal sex is during an insurrection of angry farmers who have overthrown the government and declared sodomy not only legal worldwide, but mandatory. At least for thirty seconds. This happens more often than people realize.
Step #4: Remember that, as excited as you are to be doing this, the whole experience is about the other person. Are they comfortable? Would they like a pillow? Is it too big? Why are you laughing? Quit laughing at me cunt or I'll stab you with a fucking fondue fork. How do you feel about that? That's right! You know who's in control! A- err... ahem... I digress.
Step #4a: Proper lubrication is highly important. I don't care how romantic you thought it was when Heath Ledger hocked a loogie in his palm and then proceeded to give Jake Gyllenhall what we all know Jake Gyllenhall has secretly wanted on the inside, pardon the pun, both in the movie and... well... in life. Fact of the matter is... that was just a movie. If you tried to enter somebody's anti-Jesus place with nothing but a handful of spit and maybe a cheery tune about a moppet chimney sweep named Nigel, Nigel, The Dirtiest Boy in the Dirtiest Hole, good luck. But if you really care about the person you're about to violate in probably the most heinous way imaginable, then be sure to use some decent lube. Also, cooking oil is not a lube. All it does is make your cock look like David Hasselhoff.
Step #5: Don't rush it. That anus isn't going anywhere (This is especially true if you lock the doors). Take your time. Explore it. Spleunkers don't just run balls-out into a cave and hope for the best. They take their time, get to know the lay of the land. They also familarize themselves with any potential dangers. In the case of anal sex, I'm speaking of booty gremlins. They're little gremlins that live inside of the booty. And if you stick your dick in there unprotected, the booty gremlins will chomp on it and then you'll like gay porn forever. This also happens more than people realize.
Step #6: If during anal sex you are overcome with the sudden urge to hum your favorite theme song... go with it. This is completely natural and wholly appropriate. In fact, the only times humming during anal sex are inappropriate are either if you are tone deaf or in the middle of a funeral.
Step #7: Upon climax, be polite and ask where your lover would like you to deposit said climax. Remember, they have just given you the greatest gift known to man since the invention of jalapeno flavored flush-able wet naps. It is your job, nay, your duty to honor their wishes no matter how crazy they may be. If they tell you they want it in Cleveland and you live in West Virginia, then you better hop into a car, drive as fast as possible, and get there in time to bust a nut all over Jacobs Field, ya hear me?! Unless they want you to cum on one of their pets, which is just fucking sick and wrong (And, yes, a little sexy, but I digress again) and you should get the hell out of there immediately.
|
