Jason Iles
Member
Registered: 19th Jun 01
Location: Bristol
User status: Offline
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> An out of work pianist is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho
> one
> unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he see's a lounge bar with
> a
> sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
>
> 'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
>
> 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please you
> c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
>
> The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
you
> sir?' he says
>
> 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
> window and I'm here to audition............w*nker.'
>
> The manager is naturally put off by the mans abrasive manner but his dire
> need for a top class pianist
> forces him to agree to an audition.
>
> The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
> involving, yet utterly melodic. At the
> end the thrilled barman cries 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that
> called?'
>
> 'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but
I
> just j*zzed in your daughters eye,........ and now the c*nts blind...'
>
> 'Oh' says the manager 'erh, can you play me another. Something a little
> less
> "lively".'
>
> 'W*nker.....' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful
> ballad
> which leaves the manager in tears.
>
> The manager through his salty tear drops asks him the title.
>
> 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
> box
> you get cr*p on your bell end.'
>
> 'I see' says the manager. 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
> titles?'
>
> 'Well theres my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
> theres the epic "I dont care if
> your older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
>
> 'Look' says the manager interrupting 'I think you're a superb pianist but
> the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
> condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
>
> 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
>
> On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
> his
> reportoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing
> putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
> blonde
> in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of
> her
> stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting
> cleavage.
>
> During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he
> decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck
> he
> hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to
> the
> stage and finishes his act.
>
> After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
>
> 'Hi' she says.
>
> 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
>
> She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
> out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
>
> 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I
> f*cking wrote it!!!'.
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