pug306boy
Member
Registered: 6th Mar 03
Location: manchester, drives a carzone kitted 306 Hdi 2.0
User status: Offline
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***Answer to the age-old question...How did I get home???***
How many times have you awakened in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to
your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch
of these magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged
Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in
their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to
run,so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as
payment.
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend
so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other
people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are
designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs,
you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs
ensure
that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table
Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently
get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. PS: Don't forget
the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub
in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
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